it's a long post and if u don't have the patient to read.
just skip it.

i spent my day browsing through my performanece pictures.
it has been 1 year since i stopped.
i realize.
dancing WAS my life..
now?? i dunno.

i had so much fun.
at least i used to.
looking back at the pictures and videos.
(really really old videos of me performing wen i was 3 or so)
makes me think..y did i stop??
owh ya..bastards at dance school.
but y did i let them ruin my dream??
every photos or videos taken, i was either smiling or laughing.
i had fun.
now.
i dunno how to find those moments again.
yes i smile and laugh in school
but it's just different.
its not wen i'm doing wat i LOVE to do.

i have a stack of dancing stuffs,
faded memories.
happy times.
wat i learnt during that 12 years.
those friends i made.
Leia, i've known her since i was wat..3?
we've been performing together since..forever.
wow.
yeap
i'm tearing.
y?
cos i miss my ex-life.
i miss laughing over silly jokes we made.
i miss games we played while waiting for the show to start.
i miss shouting "AAAAA!!!" wen we see a star.
i miss cam-whoring.
i miss em costumes.
i miss squizing in a small car with ten ppl and costume bags.
i miss babysiting my little juniors.
i miss rehearsals
i miss laughing over making silly mistakes.
i miss doing each other's make ups.
i miss showing off to the world with u guys.
i miss promoting PSD with u guys.
i miss those times where we fight to stand infront in a dance.
i miss hanging out at the studio rite after school everyday until my mom comes back from her work and pick me up.
i miss my second home, my second life.
i miss those times.
i miss sewing beats and sequence on our costumes.
i miss going shopping for make ups, costumes and stuffs.
its a time of my life.

yes.
we had ups and downs.
yes.
stuffs turned bad. (ever since u-noe-who came in)
yes.
we're all big girls.
yes.
things change.
yes.
i hate u for ruining my dream.

but tat doesn't mean i don't miss u guys.
i really do.
i wanna go and do shows with u guys.
i wanna go for rehearsals with u guys.
i wanna make up, put on costumes and stuff.

but all has changed now.
i noe deep down.
i still wanna dance.
dance my heart out.
express by dancing.
but i can't
i keep teling ppl.
"owh pls..dun make me dance.."
"no..i dun wanna be a dancer wen i grow up"
"i dun wanna be anythign related to dancing wen i grow up"
but.
seeing dancing is my childhood.
wat i do.
wat i *did for 12 years.
its not easy to suddenly just hate it.

so i wanna admit tat
YES I LOVE DANCING.
I LOVE PUPPET SHOULDERS EVEN IF THINGS CHANGED.
I LOVE LEIA,MELISSA,SUERAYA,AMANDA ETC
I LOVE STAYING THERE DOING MY HOMEWORK AFTER SCHOOL.
I LOVE SPENDING 90% OF MY TIME AT PSD.
I LOVE MS SONIA, MS ESTER AND MS ONG.

my feeling now is hard to describe.
its like.
i wanna go back but i can't
things are different.
no way back
=(

this was my family.
my life.

well.
there are alot more memorable photos
but i think i shall keep them to myself=)
as remembrance.